this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
