I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
