mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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