the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
