Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
