Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
