Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
