Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
