Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
two words: eviction party
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
