kristin has been a bad kristin
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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