What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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