Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I lost the right to judge tonight
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
