I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
