all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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