Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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