I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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