This beer is not sobering me up at all
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
