come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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