I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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