I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
