That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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