Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
