i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
