I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Vodka?
Forever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
