i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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