My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
