I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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