You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
