apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
