He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
