Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
