My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
