Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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