If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
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incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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