I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
