Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
