this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
