We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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