You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
