The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
