I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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