I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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