I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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