my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Never underestimate the power of titties
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
