i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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