You just made me feel so damn special
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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