If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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