Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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