So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The air was thick with penises
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
