Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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