I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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