She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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