I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
