you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
