it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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