when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
