She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize