Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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