So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
