Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
