my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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